Egyptian (and Arab!) Courtship, Marriage and the Ubiquitous “Dating Thing.” Part I

September 11th changed lots of things for Arabs and Arab Americans, including the ways we’re perceived.

Americans (and, indeed, many westerners) have become very interested in the Middle East, and the things that happen over there.

And, while I’ve spent a significant amount of time on this site going on about political changes and religious things, too, I’d like to open the eyes of my non-Arab (or Arabic-speaking) readers to more cultural things; today’s topic? The way “Middle Easterners” get married…

Pick a song, any song, the ones from the top. That’s right, think of any American Top 40 tune and consider the lovey-dovey words, the “I can’t live without you!” words, the “let’s dive into that broom closet and get to know each other” words. Maybe those are poetic in their own way, but, well…

Arabs, on the other hand— arguably the most romantically-minded people on the planet—have a knack for putting their feelings in more heartfelt terms than in the likes of such songs as “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time” (Britney Spears’ claim to fame) and “I Want You Back” (N Sync).

For example, Lebanese singer Asy el-Hellani sings “Wi’n kan aalaya/addilak enayya/bass inta tirda/wi’t’hissi bayyaa ,” which means “If it was up to me, I would give you my eyes, just so you would agree/accept and feel my presence.”

And Egyptian singer Amr Diab, in Ayzeen Yighayarook, sings “Yakhdo enaya, y’shofook,” which translates into “If they took my eyes, they would see you (in them).”

But relationships don’t always start out that way..

For my fellow first-generation Americans, get ready to hide a smirk, because your life story is likely hidden somewhere in this article. For the uninitiated—that is, the person who’s never had a thing to do with the Arab way of doing things (namely dating)—I advise you to buckle up. You’re going to hear some things that’ll make your teeth itch.

First comes marriage, then the baby carriage, then love (if you’re lucky).

Sometimes it happens like the movies—two people see one another across a crowded room, hearts connecting the same moment their eyes do. More often than not, however, the future spouses are the victims of matchmaking attempts or chance meetings at religious centers (though in some cases, a man will learn about someone’s daughter or sister or friend—sight unseen—and then come to her house for a visit with her father). More often than not, an arsenal of roguish tricks assists the potential lovebirds in securing affections and ascertaining feelings.

At any rate, under the old regime, the Arab man learns about a potential bride, asks about her, and then—as early as the same day, in some cases—enters into an engagement contract with her. In more Westernized Arab cities, however, fewer and fewer couples enter into an engagement so quickly, opting instead to learn more about one another before signing on the dotted line. Every region also has its own pattern of arranging things, and its own particular timetable for doing so. I think it’s safe to say, however, that a good deal of Middle Easterners who still live there aren’t “in love with” their intended when they say “I do”—at least not in the American sense.

Many American women take a proposal as a sign that things are going great, and that an “I love you” is on the horizon. American men are generally quick to forgive the woman they love, because they would rather spend the rest of their lives with her than without. Arabs, on the other hand, are looking for a spouse who fits their criteria, and generally don’t stick around too long if something unsavory appears out of their almost-spouse’s past.

The biggest deal-breakers are dishonesty, having hidden something, and being damaged goods (these obviously overlap, in some cases), although, true to Middle Eastern form, a man would be forgiven most of these, while a woman would get dropped like nobody’s business.

In terms of dishonesty, one may have lied about his or her age. I was especially sad to hear about a girl who had spent almost 15 months engaged to a man who loved her dearly. They were both professional, successful first-generation Americans; her family hailed from Port Saiid, while his family, who loved her as their own, came from Aswan.

On one of her birthdays, his family threw a celebration, inviting all of the other Egyptian families in the area.

All was well until it was time to open the gifts; as her soon-to-be mother-in-law read card after card aloud (to the girl’s delight), one card made Aunty stop in her tracks “To Rania, the sweetest and best girl, on your 27th birthday! God bless!”. His mother’s face drained of color, but she pressed her lips into a tight smile that no one really picked up on. Making an excuse, she managed to sequester both families. “Is it true that your daughter is twenty SEVEN?” she demanded. “Yes, but you’ve known this for over a year,” answered the girl’s father, suspecting his future sister-in-law of madness. “But my SON,” she screeched, “is only twenty FIVE!! You said she was younger than he was! Khalas!” It didn’t matter to her that her son was almost 26, that he couldn’t have cared less if his intended had been 30, or that the misinformation was actually due to a well-meaning relative. Alas, what the mother said went, and there was more than a hint of sadness in his eyes as he turned to stare at her one last time.

Other than age, a girl can lie about having been engaged before, about her extent of sexual experience, or even about her opinions. Arabs obviously don’t have a corner on the prospective bride’s lying market, but in many cases, the deal’s off once the falsehood is unearthed.

In terms of hiding things (close relative of ‘lying’), a girl might hide her previous involvement or even friendship with another man (some Arabs can be very suspicious of a mere friendship), any physical involvement with these same men, and illnesses in her family, either physical or emotional; This is because Arab families tend to steer clear of families with illnesses among their members, because they feel that it will have affected the person, and also because of heredity; this is the opposite of Americans, whose attitude when in love is more often than not “We’ll get through this together! I’m here for you,” rather than the Arab response of “um…. see ya!” On the other hand, one Saiidi friend of mine alleges that it was her refusal of her previous fiancé’s repeated attempts to seduce her that made her now-husband admire her and propose.

The third deal-breaker, as I’ve mentioned, is the state of being “damaged goods.” Many Arabic women I know disregarded the fact that their suitors were playboys prior to the engagement, declaring, “He picked me, though, didn’t he?” Some men feel almost the same, citing “It’s what happens after the marriage that counts!” For the woman to feel this way is almost expected (rather unreadily, sometimes), but it’s something of a rarity for the man to feel this way. More common are the men who are out for blood, so to speak, but more on that later…

(This article excerpted, in part, from Sally’s 2004 “Mid-East Meets West: On Being and Becoming a MODERN Arab American.”)

Egyptian (and Arab!) Courtship, Marriage and the Ubiquitous “Dating Thing.”

(Editor’s note… certain people with the initials SALLY BISHAI are still battling this silly allergy/cold/whatever is making my eyes water for 7 years; hence, I shall ply you all with a little something that may appear to be a departure from my normal work.. or perhaps not. Anyway..)

September 11th changed lots of things for Arabs and Arab Americans, including the ways we’re perceived.

Americans (and, indeed, many westerners) have become very interested in the Middle East, and the things that happen over there.

And, while I’ve spent a significant amount of time on this site going on about political changes and religious things, too, I’d like to open the eyes of my non-Arab (or Arabic-speaking) readers to more cultural things; today’s topic? The way “Middle Easterners” get married…

Pick a song, any song, the ones from the top. That’s right, think of any American Top 40 tune and consider the lovey-dovey words, the “I can’t live without you!” words, the “let’s dive into that broom closet and get to know each other” words. Maybe those are poetic in their own way, but, well…

Arabs, on the other hand— arguably the most romantically-minded people on the planet—have a knack for putting their feelings in more heartfelt terms than in the likes of such songs as “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time” (Britney Spears’ claim to fame) and “I Want You Back” (N Sync).

For example, Lebanese singer Asy el-Hellani sings “Wi’n kan aalaya/addilak enayya/bass inta tirda/wi’t’hissi bayyaa ,” which means “If it was up to me, I would give you my eyes, just so you would agree/accept and feel my presence.”

And Egyptian singer Amr Diab, in Ayzeen Yighayarook, sings “Yakhdo enaya, y’shofook,” which translates into “If they took my eyes, they would see you (in them).”

But relationships don’t always start out that way..

For my fellow first-generation Americans, get ready to hide a smirk, because your life story is likely hidden somewhere in this article. For the uninitiated—that is, the person who’s never had a thing to do with the Arab way of doing things (namely dating)—I advise you to buckle up. You’re going to hear some things that’ll make your teeth itch.

First comes marriage, then the baby carriage, then love (if you’re lucky).

Sometimes it happens like the movies—two people see one another across a crowded room, hearts connecting the same moment their eyes do. More often than not, however, the future spouses are the victims of matchmaking attempts or chance meetings at religious centers (though in some cases, a man will learn about someone’s daughter or sister or friend—sight unseen—and then come to her house for a visit with her father). More often than not, an arsenal of roguish tricks assists the potential lovebirds in securing affections and ascertaining feelings.

At any rate, under the old regime, the Arab man learns about a potential bride, asks about her, and then—as early as the same day, in some cases—enters into an engagement contract with her. In more Westernized Arab cities, however, fewer and fewer couples enter into an engagement so quickly, opting instead to learn more about one another before signing on the dotted line. Every region also has its own pattern of arranging things, and its own particular timetable for doing so. I think it’s safe to say, however, that a good deal of Middle Easterners who still live there aren’t “in love with” their intended when they say “I do”—at least not in the American sense.

Many American women take a proposal as a sign that things are going great, and that an “I love you” is on the horizon. American men are generally quick to forgive the woman they love, because they would rather spend the rest of their lives with her than without. Arabs, on the other hand, are looking for a spouse who fits their criteria, and generally don’t stick around too long if something unsavory appears out of their almost-spouse’s past.

The biggest deal-breakers are dishonesty, having hidden something, and being damaged goods (these obviously overlap, in some cases), although, true to Middle Eastern form, a man would be forgiven most of these, while a woman would get dropped like nobody’s business.

In terms of dishonesty, one may have lied about his or her age. I was especially sad to hear about a girl who had spent almost 15 months engaged to a man who loved her dearly. They were both professional, successful first-generation Americans; her family hailed from Port Saiid, while his family, who loved her as their own, came from Aswan.

On one of her birthdays, his family threw a celebration, inviting all of the other Egyptian families in the area.

All was well until it was time to open the gifts; as her soon-to-be mother-in-law read card after card aloud (to the girl’s delight), one card made Aunty stop in her tracks “To Rania, the sweetest and best girl, on your 27th birthday! God bless!”. His mother’s face drained of color, but she pressed her lips into a tight smile that no one really picked up on.

Making an excuse, she managed to sequester both families. “Is it true that your daughter is twenty SEVEN?” she demanded. “Yes, but you’ve known this for over a year,” answered the girl’s father, suspecting his future sister-in-law of madness. “But my SON,” she screeched, “is only twenty FIVE!! You said she was younger than he was! Khalas!”

It didn’t matter to her that her son was almost 26, that he couldn’t have cared less if his intended had been 30, or that the misinformation was actually due to a well-meaning relative. Alas, what the mother said went, and there was more than a hint of sadness in his eyes as he turned to stare at her one last time.

Other than age, a girl can lie about having been engaged before, about her extent of sexual experience, or even about her opinions. Arabs obviously don’t have a corner on the prospective bride’s lying market, but in many cases, the deal’s off once the falsehood is unearthed.

In terms of hiding things (close relative of ‘lying’), a girl might hide her previous involvement or even friendship with another man (some Arabs can be very suspicious of a mere friendship), any physical involvement with these same men, and illnesses in her family, either physical or emotional.

This is because Arab families tend to steer clear of families with illnesses among their members, because they feel that it will have affected the person, and also because of heredity; this is the opposite of Americans, whose attitude when in love is more often than not “We’ll get through this together! I’m here for you,” rather than the Arab response of “um…. see ya!”

On the other hand, one Saiidi friend of mine alleges that it was her refusal of her previous fiancé’s repeated attempts to seduce her that made her now-husband admire her and propose.

The third deal breaker, as I’ve mentioned, is the state of being “damaged goods.” Many Arabic women I know disregarded the fact that their suitors were playboys prior to the engagement, declaring, “He picked me, though, didn’t he?” Some men feel almost the same, citing “It’s what happens after the marriage that counts!”

For the woman to feel this way is almost expected (rather unreadily, sometimes), but it’s something of a rarity for the man to feel this way. More common are the men who are out for blood, so to speak, but more on that later…

(This article excerpted, in part, from Sally’s 2004 “Mid-East Meets West: On Being and Becoming a MODERN Arab American.”)

Serial Dater, Moi?

(Otherwise known as “Those Who Feel as Though They Have to Get Exposed to Everyone Before They Can Make Their Choice”)

by Sally Bishai

Yes, it’s true. A great many repressed Arabs (and Westerners, for that matter) feel the need to literally look at every apartment complex in the entire town before they’ll sign a lease. Meaning, the Singleton may end up spending time with each and every singleton (of the opposite sex) before he (or she) decides which one to focus on, if any. Our friend may come across any one of four main problems with this mentality:

The first dilemma is that, even if they never once indulge in a physical relationship (or a subset thereof), there’s always the chance-nay, reality-that the coalition of local Egyptians may classify this singleton as a “playa,” or think that s/he has been “well handled.” Even if he or she hasn’t been.
Another side effect of this “getting to know everyone” bit is that the singleton risks getting used up-if not physically, then definitely emotionally and spiritually. How could they not, when they’ve pretty much bonded with everyone in the whole church/school/workplace, and would, as I said before, be considered “well-handled,” even if they’ve never indulged in a physical relationship.

The second main problem is that, well, we all get older. And what may have been cute or ok at 18 or 23 (like serial dating, not settling down, being a “flirt,” etc.) only ends up looking creepy and out-of-place when we’ve aged. Also, this getting older whilst searching for The Real Thing (TM) means that when we DO finally settle down, we’ll be more stuck in our ways than Egyptians-I mean people-usually are.

An example of this? Let’s meet Dr. Adel, who was married at 24. And divorced a week later. No one knows just why the first Mrs. Adel left him, and he’s not talking. Almost 30 years go by-he hits his 50th birthday-and suddenly decides to get married. Since he’s attractive and rich and educated, he has no trouble finding a young, lovely bride. So they get married. You’ll never believe me when I tell you that, not a week after the second Mrs. Adel moves in, she walks out on him, too.

A year later, a very subdued Dr. A. gives a speech to the youth of the church. “Kids, don’t get too set in your ways, remember that love is the key to every problem. One year ago, the brightest ray of sunshine to ever hit my life vanished, and it was all my fault. My new wife, who has since moved to Canada to be with family, walked out on my one day because I yelled at her in a horrible fashion. Why did I yell? What had she done wrong? She called and cancelled a standing appointment I had set up with a cleaning service many years ago. She wanted to save me a few hundred dollars a month, and was scrubbing the floor when I came home one day. How did I react? I threw the mop across the room and dumped the water over her head. And all because I didn’t like the idea that she’d gone “over my head” to change something that I’d arranged so long ago. I stand before you tonight a broken man, children. I had a second chance at happiness, and now it, too, is gone from my life. May you never grow so accustomed to being the lord of your own manor-and your own life-that you lose something precious that you never deserved in the first place.”

As you can imagine, there was complete and utter silence in the room as everyone considered the absurdity of the story. One of the more popular kids got up and led an impromptu sing-along, most likely in an attempt to take the embarrassing focus off of Adel.

In an interesting twist (which won’t always happen, and which doesn’t help me make my point at all, I might add), one of the teenagers had become chummy with Mrs. Adel during the brief time before the fracas, and emailed Canada with a report of what had happened. If you’ve ever contemplated a career writing soap operas and romantic dramas, you’ll guess the ending to the story: Mrs. A. called her husband (they’d never been divorced) shortly thereafter, informing him that he was to pick her up at the airport. “And Adel,” she finished, “Don’t be late.”

Now that I told you more of the story than I probably should have (sorry, but it was a great ending, and I couldn’t resist), let’s move along to problem number three, which is the acceptance into the lifestyle known as “serial dating (SD).”

Beware the Serial Dater!

Now, don’t get me wrong: constantly meeting new people and spending time with them (or dating the same few people all the time) isn’t always a horrible thing. After all, no one ever said one had to jump into bed with them, did they? Of course not. Serial dating (the third main problem), by the way, is dating the same people over and over, or new people all the time; it’s characterized by frequency (more than once or twice a week) and the constant maintaining of single status. That is, no matter how many people the serial dater sees, he or she is never “trapped” into a relationship. So. Let’s have a look at the positive aspects of this practice.
First off, you learn what you want in a mate, you learn what works for you and what doesn’t, and you get to refine your ideal of that elusive “dream person.” You also have sufficient time to mature, becoming who you are and not just “X’s spouse.” Finally, you have time to start a career, amass assets, and buy a house (yes, even the ladies).

But, as in anything, there are negative aspects to serial dating. As I’ve mentioned before, serial daters may wake up one day to find that they’ve gotten significantly older than they may have remembered themselves. And I’m sure you remember my tale of woe about Adel, who got too set in his ways (if you don’t, just ask yourself if you want to be the 37-year-old in the silk shirts and stale Davidoff, doing some new dance to pick up chicks half your age). Also, a serial dater who’s caught up in his or her career may begin to think twice about “giving it all up” for a family. (In the case that he or she has to travel a lot, or in the case that a female can’t afford to take 9 months out of her schedule, obviously.)

The remaining problems with this form of dating are issues which rise out of our stricter-than-Western culture, although I’m sad to say that things are changing such that morals don’t matter as much as they once did (I’m gonna get crucified for making Westerners sound like the least immoral things to walk the planet, aren’t I.). So maybe you don’t consider these dangers of SD to actually be dangerous, in which case, you may as well skip over this last section.

The serial dater may get ruined, purity-wise. In a way, it would be odd (and disconcerting, even to me) to find that an attractive 40-year-old who spent all his time with women was actually a virgin, but anyway. He may not actually be that pure, however, and might end up getting jaded (and turn into a true “ho,” as rappers like to say). Finally, the SD may develop a reprobate mind and end up living with a significant other, although I don’t imagine that many Egyptians who go to church actually advertise the fact that they’re cohabiting.

One point that a number of 50/50s have made to me about this new modernization of Egypt and the Egyptian way is saddening to a traditionalist like me-they say that they prefer the system here, because it’s better to do what you do out in the open (as though it’s ok), rather than going on about how “wrong” it is and still doing it (meaning that they think the Egyptian way is hypocritical. Yep, these 50/50s were all guys, every last one of them).

My answer to that would be that it’s preferable to admit that something’s wrong, but that you’re going to keep doing it, rather than actually changing your mind to fit what you feel like doing at the time. That’s like changing the terms of a bet after having shaken hands. To me, that’s worse than the alleged hypocrisy that’s rampant in Egypt. But that’s a whole other article…

(Want to keep reading? Then head on over to Amazon.com to buy my first book, Mid East Meets West!)