Will The Real Christians Please Stand Up?

By Sally Bishai

I WOULD say that this week has been a difficult one for the Middle East, the Arab world and the Muslim world. But. That would be a bit redundant, seeing how almost every week is a difficult one for those who can translate the Arabic word “Salaam,” even if they don’t live it. (For the record, it means “peace.”)

Since it’s been “that kind of week,” I’ve come across dozens of articles that have recapped the problems; Afghanistan’s control-freak “you can’t diss Islam!” issues, Egypt’s “you can’t diss Islam in a blog or build a church!” issues, and everyone else’s “you can’t wear anything but a black tent, lassie!” issues.

So. While I’ve read several articles dealing with (and debating on) what Islam actually believes, and whether conversion is or isn’t allowed (some “secular Muslims” would have us believe that one actually CAN leave the religion…and live to tell about it), it got me wondering the same thing about Christianity.

See, I was recently speaking with a young lady I’ll call Marge.

Marge belongs to one of the biggest denominations in America. She’s proud to be a virgin, goes to church every Sunday and is more involved in youth group than anyone I’ve ever met.

Unfortunately, that’s not all she’s involved with.

See, the 19-year-old is fond of going to clubs, drinking the occasional beer, and wearing tight, revealing clothing. She’s kissed a few boys, too.

On the surface, a person (a very snarky one) might wonder why such a stylish and popular girl bothered with church. (I was talking to another lady recently, and she confessed to thinking that, in her mind, anyway, being a devoted Christian equated with being a nerd. All I had to say to that was “Honey, you’d best check yourself before you wreck yourself. Or before someone else does!”)

This goes back to the whole “thing where people feel attracted to those who play hard-to-get,” and the thing that has nice girls attracted to “bad boys.”

Simply put, we always want what we can’t have. Or what we shouldn’t have.

Back to Marge, however, I am sad to report that, as close a relationship as she perceives she has with Jesus—and I obviously am NOT the Grand Arbiter of Jesus-Relationships—she really does live a life that made me very surprised to learn that she was even a Christian, much less a “strong” one.

I know what you’re thinking.
“SALLY, the Bible doesn’t say you can’t drink! Only that you shouldn’t get drunk!” and “I didn’t REALIZE, Grand Bishai, that nightclubs were forbidden in the Scriptures!”

Well, I have two answers for that.

The first is that the Bible does NOT go around naming the actual manifestations of every single thing it discourages, only the sin behind it; meaning that it may not say “Thou shalt not pick up an AK-47 to settle a dispute with your math teacher,” but it DOES warn against anger, several times, and say “A soft answer turns away wrath,” and “Thou shalt not murder.”

It also mentions that we’re to avoid the appearance of evil, and slithering about in a backless top with a micro-skirt that wouldn’t cover my entire hand is the farthest thing from “angelic.” Or, at least, it may inspire a drunken club-goer (male or female!) to force his (her!?) attentions on Aunty Slither. (This refers to the whole “stumbling block” thing.)

Furthermore, we’re told to be modest, avoid immorality, and while the Bible says nothing about wearing a black tent (thanks be to God), Clingwrap clothing doesn’t automatically scream “Christian” to me.

The purpose of today’s article isn’t to outline all the “sin-ettes” that people think they can sneak under the wire.

Rather, I am concerned with the fact that people don’t CONSIDER them to BE sin-ettes!

(For the record, the Bible very clearly states that sins are a matter of black and white—there is no big sin and small sin. There ARE moral absolutes! To God, all sins are the same in beastliness, and all good works are “as filthy rags, lest any man should boast.” Meaning that your financing a church in Swaziland will get you the same number of brownie points as would giving a glass of water to a person you just had a fight with. Or any person, really.)

For example, I recently spoke with a girl who spent 14 hours telling me about how great God was, and how she went to church 3 times a week.

Then, she proceeded to tell me that she lived with her fiancé.

Hello? It’s called “wrong” !

You may be asking “Why?” and I’ll tell you; the Bible considers any sex outside of marriage—whether adulterous or just pre-marital—to be a sin. The very thought (or thoughts, strung together like a movie) of engaging in this “illegal” sex is considered to be just as bad as actually doing it. (The sin of lust and all that..)

And dressing in clothes made for the Keebler Elves can stoke the flames of desire, which will either lead to Sins A or B, if not both.

“But what if I dress that way for my husband, Sally? Did you ever think of that? HMMMM?”

Well, I did, actually.

If you’re in your house, that’s fine. But. It’s when you go out that you could entice others to sin, even if it’s just “their” sin, and “just” the sin of lust.

Thinking “Oh, I don’t care about the sins of the man on the street!” isn’t the best, either, since we are SUPPOSED to care about our brethren, Christian or not. Furthermore, even though THEY sinned, the inciter of said sin is not off-the-hook!

So dressing like a hoochie mama is, for the most part, a bad idea all around. If you feel like claiming that you’re a Christian, anyway.

You may be wondering if my focusing on the skimpy clothes bit has to do with the fact that I’m Egyptian, but the truth is that 1- I’m also ‘American,’ and 2- the new breed of Egyptian girls—whether here or there—isn’t as scandalized by short/tight/revealing togs as I would like them to be.

You know, in light of the fact that all good deeds are nothing, and all bad deeds weigh the same, I can understand how some might think that they can get some drinking and clubbing in on the sly, without incurring the fires of hell.

And, while I can’t comment on whether it WILL be ok to pull these stunts, in the final analysis, I CAN say that, based on my reading of the Bible, God is not mocked, AND He won’t be so quick to forgive you of a sin you’re planning to do, whether it’s killing your roommate or sneaking an extra cookie (or six) after dinner (the whole gluttony thing…and that IS a sin!).

Anyway, time for me to go; I have a date with the garbage collector to throw out the stash of Doritos and Oreos that are hiding under the sink!

(PS- Just in case you’re interested in what the Bible considers “sinful,” have a quick glance over this laundry list:

Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, homosexuals, sodomites, thieves, covetous, drunkards, revilers, extortion, sexually immoral, malicious, envious, murderers, whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful lewd, unclean, contentious, jealous, selfish, dissentious, revelrous, angry, foolish, disobedient, deceived, hateful, lawless, offensive, insubordinate, unholy, kidnappers, liars, perjurers, lovers of themselves, lovers of money, blasphemers, unthankful, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure, cowards, unbelieving, sorcerers, those who practice witchcraft, soothsayers, whoever interprets omens, conjures spells, a medium, a spiritist, one who calls up the dead, diviners, one who practices magic, whoever loves and practices a lie.

(For more info, check out: 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Romans 1:28-31, Proverbs 22:24-25; 29:22, Revelation 21:8, Galatians 5:19-21, Matthew 13:41-42, 1 Timothy 1:9-10, Titus 3:3 ,
2 Timothy 3:2-4, Deuteronomy 18:10-14, Ezekiel 13:18-20, Revelation 22:15, Acts 19:19, 1 Samuel 15:23…)

Seeing Past Jesus

By Sally Bishai

While I don’t know the official reasoning behind the Muslim banning of images of Muhammad (I’ve heard several things, but 1- I’m no Islamic scholar, and 2- neither were any of my sources, hence my leaving it as I left it), I can certainly understand the recent to-do about the cartoons from Denmark.

See, I have Jesus everywhere—on the living room wall, in a glass-enclosed statue on my desk, on a candle from the local Catholic Church… and, rather than be happy that I can be reminded of Him every five seconds, I have begun to visually tune Him out; not out of a lack of love or respect, but because I realize that this isn’t Jesus, that looking the artwork in the eyes is nothing like connecting with Jesus Himself.

But that’s not all. Sometimes, when something (or someone) is so familiar to us, we take them for granted, we get the idea that we can get away with more. (Or less, as the case may be. Married people, back me up, here.)

Like, I know for a fact that someone would dress better for a date with someone they met only twice (and liked, obviously), than for someone they knew for 20 years. (Come back here, married people, I ain’t finished with you!)

And I know that no one in the history of the world makes it a point to appreciate the artwork on the wall or on the bookshelf every single time they walk past it. Nothing would ever get done!

Also, seeing such an exalted figure (I have no words to even express how high He is!) so often, even though we Christians take Jesus not only as a savior but as our best friend, might denigrate His status to that of, say, a boss we were fond of and respected, but didn’t tremble before.

(This is why they warn teachers against fraternizing with their students—because when there’s a power structure involved, it always changes the dynamic, and usually gets in the way.)

Another thing—and I might just be the only one who feels this way, but I’m sure that the more intelligent of my readers will at least see where I’m coming from (and where I’m going), even if they don’t agree with my statement that Jesus should be too exalted a figure in our minds to be mere artwork.

Like, I have this great poster of Him in my piano room, just behind a double-decker synthesizer stand, and between a framed copy of me on the front page of a newspaper (it was for the release of Mid-East Meets West—wow, has it really been almost three years since my first book came out?!) and a beautifully matted print of Marilyn Monroe, holding onto her poufy dress for dear life.

Did you hear what I just said?

I just informed you that I have an artist’s representation of the Son of the Creator of the whole universe between a piece of Plexiglas and some over-priced paper! And next to Marilyn Monroe, for that matter!

“Well, Sally, instead of going on for 17 hours, why not just take the poster down?”

It’s not as easy as that, though. How would it look if I were to do that? I can just see it now.

“Hey Sally! You’ve actually cleaned! There’s WALLPAPER on the walls, and not just stacks of papers and books adorning them! Wait a second.. where did that fabulous painting of Jesus with the green eyes go? Wasn’t it across from the microwave?”

See what I mean? As though I were good enough to untie his sandal, much less pick him up because he was blocking the view of the geraniums!

I can’t be the only one who thinks this, although I know I’m not going to get any support from my icon-loving Orthodox friends, who would get Jesus wallpaper if they could.

This is not to say that, because I’m a protestant, my faith or my religion is any better than theirs (they would be the first to set me straight if I was insane enough to suggest it! ;)— only that they (oftentimes) believe you can get a blessing from touching a Jesus photo, and I don’t.

I’m sure I’ll get some comments (as usual) from some long-lost Copt (or Catholic, for that matter) who just has to inform me that this is a cultural thing, but has no Biblical backing.

That’s fine, but the fact is that there are SOME Copts (et al) who subscribe to this, and no one can ever tell me “Oh, there are NO Copts who believe in the whole superstitious-touchy-photo-thing.”

In a final point before I leave this topic, I’d like to point out that this artwork thing is NOT the same as wearing a cross around your neck or wearing a Jesus t-shirt!

Why? Well, because wearing something is, more often than not, a way to indicate that it’s a symbol that you’re behind (or not).

Like, I would never in my life wear a Budweiser t-shirt, or a pentagram around my neck. (This is not to say you COULD not, only that I, Sally, WOULD not.)

By the same token, I know co-eds who wear anything that libraries, colleges, credit-card companies or the street-teams of hillbilly recording artists would give to them.

(And rock stars love to wear the cross, or other religious symbols, for that matter.)

But a shirt or pendant is eminently changeable (and, as previously discussed, not always indicative of one’s affiliation or lack thereof), whereas it’s harder to go about changing paintings and wall treatments at one’s whim.

At any rate, I must away now; there’s a framed portrait of a blonde bombshell that I really do need to take down from the wall of my piano room…

Here’s To The Bride

By Sally Bishai

Weddings these days are ridiculously expensive. And just plain ridiculous. Call me a kill-joy, but I have a real issue with the almost-requisite wastefulness, materialism, and sexism that’s rampant in the modern-day wedding ceremony.

In proper Sally fashion, let’s begin with materialism, backpedal into wastefulness, and then bunny-hop into the sexism of it all.

According to a 2002 study done by The International Institute of Weddings, a wedding’s average cost (in the States) was $21,300.

A site called Random Musings (http://macg.metcorp.com/?cat=35) gives the following financial estimates on the frippery that goes into a modern wedding “with all the trimmings”:

Reception Site $8,000
Engagement Ring $3,000
Honeymoon $3,000
Wedding Rings $1,100
Photography & Video $1,500
Rehearsal Dinner $800
(Where did the food at the reception go?)
Bridal Gown $800
Bridal Accessories $200
(Hello, snacks??)
Bridesmaids $900
Flowers $850
Music $750 - 2,500
(What about the cake?!)
Limousines / Transportation $450
Stationery / Invitations $400
Formalwear $500
Clergy/Chapel $250

Ridiculous.

$850 for some geraniums? Who ever heard of such a thing!?

Millions, apparently. The wedding industry has been estimated as doing over 50 BILLION dollars a year.

Ridiculous!

This is horrifically wasteful. Just think… You could support an entire family in some “third-world” country for like 5 years for the (exorbitant) price of the limousine.

Why not get a cab and fork over the money saved to the Red Cross or the Christian Children’s Fund? Or Coptic Orphans, for that matter?

(Or the Tsunami? Or Katrina? No shortage of good causes, I can assure you..)

I know what you’re thinking: “But SALLY, this is supposed to be our special day! A day we’ll remember all our lives! It’s OK to go a little wild and spend lots just this once!”

My responses to this—and you’ll notice the mind of the girl (me) who got a perfect score on the logic section of the GRE (but managed to fail her statistics exam last week, but I can’t think about that now)—include the following:

1- Where does it say that $400 invitations and a thousand-dollar-cake automatically constituted a “special day” ?
2- Why does one need to conform to one long-dead wedding planner’s idea of “a beautiful wedding” for it to have been a memorable success?
3- If you’re rich enough to pay for a $20,000 wedding without having to use credit cards or “scrimp” for the next 2 years, then far be it from Moi to stand in your way.
4- It’s NOT just one day! The aforementioned Random Musings site tells me that brides take seven to TWELVE MONTHS to plan their weddings! What a waste of time!
5- Finally—and I hate to have to mention this but it’s the truth—about half the time, it’s NOT just this once! (You already said that, Sally..) No, I mean that almost half of marriages (in America, anyway) end up in divorce. Imagine having to go through this ruckus more than once!

Now that I’ve gone on about the financial end for as long as I care to, I can start in on the philosophical end of things. (Did you think I’d run out of steam and just save this part for another day? Dream on, love. I’m just getting started.)

Here are some of my biggest objections to the “white-dress-and-50-foot-cake” wedding. (I haven’t counted up how many cultures in the world subscribe to this, but it has to be more than just Canada, the US, and the UK.)

In case you’re wondering, I got in this snit after having watched one of my favorite movies, “How To Marry a Millionaire,” two times in a row as I was reading a book the other day. (No, not my statistics book.)

Lauren Bacall looked lovely as she walked down the aisle towards her husband-to-be.

I felt bad that her father wasn’t walking her up the aisle, but then I wondered why she needed anyone to walk her anywhere? Although, since it’s really her and her family marrying him and his family, wouldn’t it make more sense that both of her parents (and all of her siblings, for that matter) would walk her up the aisle?

Then I started thinking, why does she have to go to HIM? Why couldn’t he have walked over to her?

I can just see it now—the rich millionaire striding up the aisle with his entire nuclear family, to Lauren and her family, who awaited at the altar.

But then I wondered why anyone had to march down any aisle in the first place? I mean, I fully realize that to get from the back of the church to the front of the church, one has to actually walk, BUT, why can’t the spouses-to-be just march in together? (Ok, they can leave their respective families in the audience for that.)

The last major issue I have with weddings is the fact that the woman has to wear white. Or eggshell. Or even “antique ivory.”

Do they do it out of tradition? I know that many—if not most, sadly—of the women wearing white today don’t deserve to be doing so.

Meaning, they’re not, as the dress implies, virgin at that point. (You’ll be glad to know that I’m not going to bring morality into today’s lecture.)

While my faith (Christian) and my culture (Egyptian) both dictate that virginity is a desirable (and almost mandatory, really) thing for an unmarried woman to have, I must again raise the question of, “Why the woman?”

Meaning, why does the WOMAN’S virginity, signified by the white dress, have to be on display? Does the man’s black tuxedo mean he’s been a player since he was 9-years-old? (If white and black are opposites, I mean.) Does anyone even care whether the guy’s had a physical relationship before?

I mean, thank God it’s not a common practice (anymore) to come out of the bridal chamber waving a bloody sheet (don’t ask), but at the same time, I really think that a white dress—whether deserved or no—is just one more thing that needs to go. (On the other hand, I think that every woman should strive TO deserve the designation of “white” rather than the just-as-genteel, but less-than-morally-sound “off-white” or “elegant bone.”

So, what’s left, then? I’ve done away with the limo, the invitations, the dress, the rings.. oh, I didn’t bring up the rings yet, did I?

Very briefly put, I think it’s silly that the man has to “buy the woman off” with an engagement ring. Why doesn’t he get a ring? (And furthermore, why does it have to be a ring? What if I want a new camera?)

The only logical thing I can think of is that the woman gets the ring so that she can hock it if her husband turns out to be a shylock, but that’s less-than-helpful to the cause of women’s rights.

My friend Canadian Sam and I once discussed his impending wedding, and came up with an interesting plan: men should give women a piece of string to tie around their finger until the Big Day, after which the man would go to the store and get a real ring.

But then I wondered why the man had to do the giving, and why there had to be a trading-in, and then I got to the point where I wondered why there had to be a ring in the first place. Sam agreed. “I’m enough,” he said, and that was that.

Is there anything I DO approve of in a wedding?

Well, yes. It could be said that the only convention I agree with is that it should be in church, before God. (Obviously, if you’re not a Christian, this doesn’t apply to you, but at least a person’s faith should be brought into it, since most belief systems have some form of an almighty creator.)

I hope you don’t think me a rabid feminist, or else the worst form of cynic.

The truth is, though, that the state of the nation—and, in fact, the world—is such that so expensive a day is almost a sin to contribute to.

Furthermore, while I have a problem with the frippery of today’s weddings, I think my biggest problem is that these things are done out of a desire to follow “convention,” rather than following one’s own desire.

So don’t be surprised if you read that I suddenly got married in a $100 ceremony in a local church, carrying an $8 bouquet of orchids, wearing a formal dress of deep purple, and sitting in the back seat of a taxi on the way to Taco Bell, with a befuddled groom and a new, $5,000 Nikon.